Thursday, August 10, 2017

FOFO: Fear Of Being Found Out



In a generation of acronyms we talk a lot about YOLO and FOMO but one thing that has plagued me over the last couple of years is FOFO - Fear of Being Found Out.

Before anyone's imagination gets carried away, I'm not a serial killer with a new identity or a member of a secretive cult. But like most people do, I have a life, a history and a past. For me that includes an estranged family which I've talk a bit about before - click if you missed my post on dealing with the death of an estranged family member.



I've never really been confronted with my past in the sense of the people that know 'who I really am' because until a couple of years ago, I lived in completely different parts of the country to my estranged family and therefore there was an almost negligible chance I'd ever come across someone I'm technically related to or who might realise the connection between the family and me. All that changed when I started the job I'm just about to leave because it put me back to being based in the area I originally come from and where my estranged family live.

Whilst I've slowly settled into the idea that one day I am probably going to walk into someone who remembers me as an 8 year old or who makes the connection between me and a family I've had no contact with for the better part of a decade, I realised only now I'll be moving on and returning to living at home in London that as an active member of the local community- I run with a club, cycle with members of a club, use local business and services, eat out and socialise locally, that what has always bothered me is not being confronted by my choices, I have long since reconciled those, but that I have been thinking of the person who allowed herself to be manipulated by emotional blackmail and had different surname as 'who I really am'

Do I want people to know that person? Do I want to be connected to that person?

Actually the bigger question is: is that who I really am?



We all have a life, a history and past. I am a summation of all of those things but I'm choosing to drop my FOFO because where I come from and the details of my past do not exclusively make me who I am now.

I love and am loved by someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with
I scrunch my eyes up when I laugh
I am a runner- finisher of marathons, half marathons, charity challenges, 10k and more
I am part of a community- I try to give as much to the community around me as it gives me through volunteering
I am successful in my career choices- I am where I want to be right now
I own too many pairs of cheap sunglasses because I can never find them when I need them
I ride my bike for several hours at a time on a weekend. For fun. And I'm qualified to lead other women in such joy
I love pick n mix sweets and am especially weak willed around them
World class DJ sets on sweaty dancefloors fuelled by diet coke make me feel alive
I am a blogger
I still love green
I own too many pairs of impractical shoes
I make choices every day, not all of them are good

I am all of these things and more, and these supercede so many of the things I have been or that came before.

This is 'who I really am'. I am not scared of that. I do not fear you finding out.



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